i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
