Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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