I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
