mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
