it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
