I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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