See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
