her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
