Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
