my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
