just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
