I just saw a hot homeless man
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
