have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
