So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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