Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
as a side note pls kill me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
