You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
