You can't motorboat a personality
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
