It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
