she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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