omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
