Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
