In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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