We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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