We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
