I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
