He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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