Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
