I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
