No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
