i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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