We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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