Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
