can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
