so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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