1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
