The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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