guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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