whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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