I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
