WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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