True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
