Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize