Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
