I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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