I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My penis needs a shock collar
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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