2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
