Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
