I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
