I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's always time for handjobs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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