the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize