I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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