if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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