I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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