YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
