I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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