Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
