Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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