why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
