On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
