totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
