then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize