Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
