There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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