I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
