mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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