we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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